Morgan’s Emetophobia Recovery

I asked Morgan to write an “old me vs. new me” reflection, and here’s what she shared:

March 13, 2025 — the day I decided enough was enough with my emetophobia. I was tired of the way I was.

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Old Me

Emetophobia Morgan… she was here for years…when I say years, I mean years. It started off as a “panic attack” when I was just 9 years old. I was admitted to a children’s hospital because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. They diagnosed me with extreme panic disorder. My emetophobia wasn’t as bad at first; I was able to control it to some extent.

Fast forward 9 more years to when I was 18. I started using meth and continued for 5 more years. The craziest thing of all was that when I was using, the phobia seemed to disappear (more about this in my “new me” section). I always wondered why until I got into the Thrive Programme. Once I found the strength and motivation to quit meth, I was excited for the “happy” Morgan. I use quotation marks because I wasn’t happy.

As soon as I quit, my phobia became worse…worse than it ever was after catching the stomach flu. I was 2 months sober when this happened, and it triggered the emetophobia thoughts so badly. I was sick multiple times, crying, and making myself feel worse because of the way I was thinking. I eventually went to the hospital because I was so dehydrated, and that’s when I was introduced to Zofran. Zofran was the “wonder” drug for me. Ah yes, the Zofran. I had an ongoing prescription for nearly 6 years. I took 2–4 daily. Daily! And it definitely had side effects. I was unable to use the bathroom, constantly constipated, and I took it even when I didn’t need it because I had the “what if” attitude. I used to wash my hands with blistering hot water and scrub them until they bled.

I wouldn’t eat my husband’s food. I wouldn’t go around my nieces or nephews if they were sick. I missed a lot of family things because of my fear. I would thoroughly check through my food no matter where I was. I threw out food that wasn’t bad just because it was close to the sell-by date. I gave myself the anxiety. I gave myself the IBS feelings. I gave myself the nausea.

As you can see, the old Morgan suffered. She really did. And she was having a panic attack one night when she found Lauren through a TikTok talking about being cured from this phobia. As most of us do, I thought, “It’s fake, it’s just for them to get paid.” When in reality, it was the best decision I could’ve made.

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The New Me

Morgan is a bit different than she was. It took me a bit to finish this section because I wanted to see how I would react in a situation where I was throwing up, and since that time has come, I can openly share the new Morgan.

I will say the anticipation of needing to vomit was the most uncomfortable part. My heart was still racing, yes, but while I threw up I was able to breathe. And as weird as it sounds, I talked to myself in the mirror telling myself, “It’s okay. I did it. And if it happens again, I can cope.”

The new Morgan has been through some tough days this last week, but I COPED THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING. The car crash, and then throwing up, yet I did NOT let that stop me. I didn’t starve myself like I would have in the past. I allowed my body to feel what it needed to feel. But overall, I took over and said, “Enough is enough. I’m not feeling sick-I’m making myself feel sick.”

Finally understanding that I primarily focus on the negatives rather than the positives will only help me become more outgoing and have more fun. I believe I might always have a little emetophobia voice, but only I can change that and choose different actions and thoughts. Morgan is new, she’s happier, and she can finally see what it’s like to have a “normal” life without the constant fear, worry, and stress of being sick. I’m stronger, I can cope, I’ve learned the skills, and I can handle anything life throws at me because I have the tools to do so.

I’ve had blips in my recovery, definitely, but I’m also learning that my catastrophic thinking is my #1 unhelpful thinking pattern. When I get nauseous, my emeto brain automatically wants me to freak out…but starting today, at this moment, I WILL NOT let my catastrophic voice overpower my positive thoughts.

Recovery takes time. It can take a few months, even a year, but you will not fail. It’s okay to take it slow. It’s okay to try again. Don’t be ashamed of how long it takes…you’ve had this phobia for years, so it will take time. But in the end, you will understand and feel all the good and positive things you worked through.

The new Morgan has had a rough patch with being sick recently, but I’m still here. I did it. Even though I still have anxiety, I allowed myself to feel nauseous. I allowed myself to throw up when I needed to. And yes, I also allowed myself to take a Zofran when I was sick. It’s okay to have a bit of fear, just don’t let that fear take over.

Emetophobia is a hard phobia, but it’s also just your thinking creating it. You created it. This program will uncreate it. The new Morgan is doing amazing. Even with her blips, she’s on the road to recovery.